It has been over 3 weeks now since your arrival, and we have fallen more in love with you each day. There are a million things I should be doing right now, but I wanted to take this time to write down your birth story as it was one of the best days of our lives. I am writing this on about 4 hours on non-consecutive sleep last night, so hopefully it makes some sense :)
So, it began on March 30th. As I mentioned before, you were in a breech position, and we had a c-section scheduled for noon that day. We were supposed to arrive at the hospital at 9 so they could start monitoring us. Here I am, right before leaving for the hospital. The nights leading up to the surgery, I could hardly sleep, but I slept surprisingly well the final night and felt really good that morning.
Once we got checked in, I had to put on a gown and they started monitoring your heart rate and filling me with IV fluids. The nurse pointed out on the monitor that I was actually having contractions then, but they were so early that I did not feel a thing. We were in the waiting room for about 2 hours before they took us back to my recovery room before the surgery. I could not eat for 12 hours or drink for 6 hours before the surgery, so the worst part about those 2 hours was that I was so hungry and thirsty! During that time also, the anesthsiologist came and told us about the spinal I would recieve, and the nurses explained everything that would happen during the procedure.
By 11:30, it was time to go to my recovery room. This was where I would go directly after the surgery. It all started to sink in when we went to that room and I started getting really nervous. My doctor (Dr. Kelly-Jones) came and talked to us about everything and before I knew it, it was time to say goodbye to your dad. He had to go get dressed in scrubs, and I had to go off to the OR to recieve my spinal. They would not let him in the room for that part- I was told that many spouses end up fainting at the sight of the needle. I knew your dad would re-join us during the surgery, but something about me walking into the room with the big "C-SECTION #1, on the door by myself was scary. Once I saw the room, it was so surreal. All the lights, the smells, the little newborn bed that you would be laying in, 15 or so doctors and nurses all getting ready for us, the chatter going on- I remember it all very clearly and I remember telling myself that I had to be strong and hold back tears- no crying yet. I knew it would be hard enough for your dad to walk in and see me on the operating table, so I had to hold it together for him. I did my breathing like I learned in birthing classes which helped me stay calm. The anesthsiologist got the spinal going right away, and my amazing nurse, June, was right there letting me squeeze her hand. It was not bad at all though, felt like a bee sting and before I knew it, my lower back was getting really warm. After a minute or so, they kept asking me to try and move my leg, my toes, and once everything was completely numb, John was allowed in. During the surgery, your dad stayed right by my head on one side, and the anesthesiologist was on the other. Your dad kept telling me I was doing great, but I could see in his eyes he was scared too. I remember that for some reason during the surgery, I heard Hootie and the Blowfish song "Hold My Hand" playing in the room. Dad confirmed that I was not going crazy, and yes, they were playing that song. I was really nervous beforehand about hearing what the doctors were saying during the surgery- I thought they would be talking about what they were doing and seeing and I really did not want to hear that- but instead they were talking about thier plans for the weekend, thier kids, etc. I did not hear any medical conversations at all. Oh yeah, and before the surgery, there was a team from the neonatal ICU there- this is standard practice for all c-section babies since the birth is riskier and many babies end up with fluid on thier lungs- anyway, they came and introduced themselves before the surgery and I will never forget one of them looking me in the eyes and saying "Ma'am, I'm going to take care of your baby." Anyway, back to the surgery, right before you were going to be born, the doctors told me I was going to feel lots of pressure and pulling,- and they were right. I was strapped down to the table, but I remember my body being jolted from side to side and shaking really bad. I will never forget what happened next, and I can't find the words to describe what I heard, but the first time I heard you cry, I looked at your dad and started balling, I was so happy to hear you. I heard you loud and clear, I heard the nurses shouting things, I heard suctioning and they were all standing around you on your newborn table- but I could not see you yet. You were so close and I remember thinking "I wish that nurse would move over so I could see you" but they were all doing thier job, getting you cleaned up and checking you out. They announced that your first APGAR was a "9" which was really good and that you were not going to need to go to the NICU- yay! Then I heard they were weighing you. Eight lbs!, one of the nurses shouted. Meanwhile, I was trying to talk to you too- I remember yelling, "I love you Henry", "Happy Birthday Henry", over and over again. And then it happened, they took your last APGAR- 9 again, and wrapped you up so I could meet you. Your dad was standing over the nurses watching them, so he had seen you, but I still had not. Cameras were not allowed in the OR, but my anesthesiologist went to sneak my camera in and he took this picture which will forever be one of my favorites.
I still could not move, but at least I could see you and knew that you were safe and healthy. Next, the nurses had to take you to get your first bath and have your footprints done. Of course, the doctors still had to staple me back together, so dad went with you while I was still in the OR. That was hard, but I knew he would take some pictures, and he did not disappoint:
And then, finally, I was stapled up and ready to go to recovery, which meant I could finally hold you and try to start feeding you. The next picture is so special to me. No, its not the best lighting, I certainly don't look good, and it may be slightly out of focus, but the photography rules go out the window here. This is me holding you for the first time and I will never, ever, forget this moment. This moment, I felt my heart beating outside my body, and I knew. I knew it would never be the same. I also knew this, I will now go up against anyone that says they don't believe in love at first sight, because this, this is love at first sight.
We were in recovery for about 3 hours, and I rememeber being so proud when I could finally move my feet and legs which was my green light to move out of recovery and into my room. Oh, and while I was in recovery, I recieved a special flower delivery from you:
This is us in our permanent room, where we stayed for the next 3 nights.
Henry, the past few weeks have been a whirlwind and I have spent as much time as I can just drinking you in and taking in your newborn smell. I wish I could bottle it up because I know it will not last. Before I had you, I had great plans for projects I was going to work on while I'm on maternity leave, but now that you are here, all of that is out the window. You are my project now, and I don't want to stop being with you for a second to pick up, do laundry, or cook. I have only turned on the tv a few times, and have been online 2-3 times since bringing you home. I know our time together is so precious, and there are not enough hours in the day for me to peel away from you. People often ask what's the most surprising thing about motherhood so far, and of course the easy answer is something about lack of sleep, feeding, or diapers, but for me, the only way I can answer this question is that you will have no idea until you go through it. It's untouchable ground, it's pure, raw emotion. I can't believe you were in my tummy, I can't believe you are so beautiful and perfect, and I can't believe I went almost 30 years without you in my life. For now, you are wrapped tightly to my chest in your sleepy wrap making the sweetest sounds and I'm about to take you outside to get some fresh air. This is it Henry, this is the beginning of something beautiful, and I can't sum it up any better than one of my favorite quotes from Mary Oliver: ""Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
All my love,
Mommy
